the "Truth Serum" speech [very funny]

Here is the speech I did for Jon's book release in its entirety. Its quite funny if I do say so myself. All you have to know is that I did meet Jon for the first time the day of the speech and he's a very nice fellow, but not an ex-con rap superstar with superpowers.

-Lee

"Jon asked me to give a speech for his book release . . . but before I begin, let me introduce myself.

My name is Lee Post and I came down here from Anchorage, Alaska. After entering a contest in the back of “Truth Serum” several years ago, Jon and I have been emailing back and forth ever since.

I do a comic called “Your Square Life” and Jon thought I would enjoy the Alternative Press Expo, and encouraged me to come down and to say a few words today. In fact, I had the opportunity to meet John face-to-face for the first time this morning. It was . . .

[Pause]

Well . . . I’ve come to find that Jon had made, I guess I would call them . . . “embellishments” about himself. I was expecting a little exaggeration, a few white lies, but . . . well, I’ll just tell you what I was told, and you can decide for yourself. . .

According to Jon, he grew up in South Central L.A. to an all-but absent father and a crack addicted mother. He said his young life was a hard one, filled with broken bottles for toys and days spent hungry and afraid.

Eventually, that fear turned into anger and drug abuse, and he got involved with what he called the “thug life”. In my day job, I’m a juvenile probation officer, and I found Jon’s story to be tragic . . . but all too common!

The name of his gang was “The Evil Snakes Gang for Cool People.” Reportedly, his gang career consisted mostly of pimping, drug dealing, vicious assaults, interpretive dance, and performing his free-verse poetry at open mike nights. From what I was able to determine, he relied almost exclusively on the last two, hence his gang name, “Lord Fancy Pants.”

Eventually he was able to pull himself out of the “La Vita Loca” as he called it and he became a rap superstar under the name “MC Karen Carpenter”. His break-through album was “Rainy Days and Mondays, Bitch” Apparently it was very well received in a few of the Balkan states, rocketing up the charts, getting as high as #47, behind “David Hasselhoff’s Partee Jamz #6”. During these wild years, he also published his original Truth Serum comic and relocated to San Francisco.

Unfortunately, he got caught up in the East Coast/West Coast rivalries between, as far as I can tell, comic book artists moonlighting as rap superstars, (apparently, there are more than you would think) and he was mowed down in a hail of gunfire . . .betrayed by two of his fellow “Evil Snakes” gang members Spanky 2-Short and “Fatty” Melvin.

According to Jon, he released two more posthumous albums, ironically titled,” MC Karen Carpenter presents: I’ve Only Just Begun” and “I’ve Only Just Begun, the Remix Album with R. Kelly”.

I guess in retrospect, this is where things started to become harder to believe. Jon told me he was rescued from the afterlife by both Dr. Strange and Thor in an epic battle against Death, in which Jon threw the decisive blow, knocking Death’s head off with an atomic karate chop to the neck. After being reincarnated as himself, he claims he was rewarded with the powers of laser-eyesight and the healing touch.

I guess I really can’t blame Jon for exaggerating the truth a little. It’s always stressful meeting new people and everything. Unfortunately for me, however, I spent much of this morning sitting at Jon’s booth watching him try to warm a thermos of week-old coffee with his “laser-eyes.”

During the hours I spent with John, I felt a lot of pity for this obviously broken shell of a man and I tried to let him know that he could drop his sad little charade, but when he insisted on demonstrating his healing touch with a jar of peanut butter and a Mexican wrestling mask, I had to leave.

But, I’m a man of my word and I said I would say something about the book, “Truth Serum” by Jon Adams. Um . . . I guess it’s best to let his work speak for itself. I got my copy about a month ago and loved it. I even bought a second copy to pass around to friends so they could check it out. I can honestly say it is a gorgeous, well-written, very funny comic, written by what could only be described as a depraved lunatic.

In conclusion . . . Leave now . . . save yourself and your loved ones . . . and may the lord have mercy on Jon’s diseased soul. Thank you and good evening. "